The Autumn Effect
by Nikki Von Dratch
Summary: House, M.D. 13/Cuddy. Femslash
1. Waking Up

**The Autumn Effect**

**Chapter 1: Waking Up**

**Thirteen awoke to a gentle touch on her face, unaware of where she was and why she felt so utterly crappy. She slowly cracked one eye open, peeking out, surveying her surroundings. It didn't take her long to realize that she was in the hospital, in a large room with bright white light filtering in through the half-open window shades, in a lumpy bed that made her back ache. Opening her other eye, she realized that the touch on her face had been Cuddy's fingers stroking her hair back. She stared up at the older woman, blue-green eyes easily conveying her confusion. She opened her mouth to speak, but the only sound that came out was a harsh rasp. No coherent words emerged.**

"**Hey there," Cuddy said, smiling down at her. "Welcome back to the world."**

"**What--what happened?" Thirteen asked. Her voice was so thick and hoarse that it sounded strange and foreign even to her own ears.**

"**You don't remember?" Cuddy asked, her smile fading into a look of concern.**

**Thirteen simply shook her head.**

"**You were leaving the hospital after your shift," the older woman began to explain. She paused to see if Thirteen would fill in the banks. When the young doctor didn't say anything, she continued, "You passed out in the locker room. Doctor Foreman found you lying on the floor."**

**Slowly, the memory came back to her, and Thirteen nodded. "I remember," she croaked.**

"**What else do you remember?"**

"**Um… feeling tired. No, exhausted. I just wanted to go home and sleep."**

"**Mmm. Do you remember how you felt right before you passed out?"**

"**Just… dizzy. Weak. Why?"**

"**You're dehydrated. Severely dehydrated. Foreman had you admitted, ran some tests."**

"**Tests?"**

"**Yeah. Don't worry. Everything is fine. You just need to rest and drink plenty of fluids and you'll be back on your feet in no time."**

**Thirteen merely nodded again, much too tired to argue. She nestled her head back into her pillow--she wasn't sure when she had found the strength to lift her head in the first place--and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, Cuddy was still sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her with a strange sort of affection in her eyes. It made Thirteen's heart skip a beat, then speed up a little.**

"**How long do you think it'll take until I can get back to work?" Thirteen asked, trying desperately to look anywhere but at the other woman. She failed miserably.**

"**Just a couple more days, at most. There's no need to rush. You've already been here two days, and House hasn't started bitching yet, so…" Cuddy let her words trail off as she looked out the glass doors to where House and his team stood, watching them intently.**

**House was the only one who didn't look worried. Instead, the look on his face was impassive, something he wore very well.**

**Thirteen hadn't noticed they were standing there before. "I've been out for two days?" she asked in disbelief. She ran a hand through her already mussed hair and let out a heavy sigh. "Oh, my God. I suck. I suck so bad," she muttered.**

**Cuddy couldn't help laughing. "What do you mean?" she asked.**

"**I've been out of commission for two days. That's ridiculous. I shouldn't--God. I should be out there, helping them diagnose patients, and instead, I'm here, lying around like a lazy loaf."**

"**I believe it's that sort of thinking that got you here in the first place. Too busy to stop for a drink of water or a decent meal or a good night's sleep. Am I right?"**

**Thirteen faltered. She moved her mouth as if to say something, but no words came out. It was true. Cuddy was absolutely right. It was her own fault that she had ended up in a hospital bed. She was pretty sure that she had never felt so stupid before in her entire life.**

"**I--you're right. I'm sorry," the younger woman said softly. She averted her eyes to the frayed edge of her white blanket.**

"**Don't apologize. Just don't let it happen again. You're too good of a doctor to let yourself slip like this. It isn't healthy," Cuddy said. "I thought you were over this whole self-destruct thing," she added cautiously after a few moments of silence.**

"**What? I am. I really am. I just--I get so caught up in the work and the back and forth and I forget to do things that most people never forget to do. Sometimes I think I'd forget to breathe if it weren't for the fact that it was involuntary." The words came out quickly, all in a rush, and Thirteen had to take a deep breath when she was finished. "I stopped drinking and I stopped partying and I stopped experimenting with drugs. I don't do anything except work and go home and go to clinical trials and meetings and… I haven't even been on a date in, like, a month. I don't go out. I sit at home with my books and my cat and I do yoga to help the stress, but that doesn't seem to be working out either." She let out another heavy sigh, fingertips toying with the loose strings on her blanket as silence, thick and palpable, fell over the room again.**

**Cuddy blinked a couple of times, trying to take in everything the other woman had just told her. Thirteen had practically spilled all the intimate details of her life at the moment, and Cuddy wasn't quite sure how to react to that. Slowly, she moved her hand down to Thirteen's where it fidgeted nervously on the blanket and wrapped her fingers around Thirteen's to still them. Thirteen looked up at her then, and Cuddy realized just how astonishingly fragile she was. Beautifully sculpted, like porcelain, and just as easily broken, but not at all impossible to piece back together.**

"**Remy."**

**The sound of her name jostled Thirteen back to reality. Her heart was beating rapidly now; she could hear it echoing in her ears. For a brief moment, she wondered if Cuddy was going to kiss her, but decided that it was a silly notion and pushed it aside. Instead, the older woman smiled warmly at her and gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze.**

"**You know, not living is just as unhealthy as living too much," Cuddy said softly.**

**With that, the older woman scooted off the bed and walked to the door. She turned to flash Thirteen another affectionate smile, then left the room, leaving Thirteen feeling more than a little mystified.**


	2. 11:00 AM Daydreamer

**The Autumn Effect**

**Chapter 2: 11:00 A.M. (Daydreamer)**

Two days passed quickly.

Thirteen packed the few items of clothing that Foreman had been so gracious to bring her into her small duffel bag and slung it over her shoulder. She was thankful to finally be able to go home, but at the same time, there was that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. That impending sense of dread of going back to the same old thing, falling into the same routine. Cuddy's words had played over and over in her head for two days, like a scratched record, and she worried herself over the meaning of them.

_Not living is just as unhealthy as living too much._

_The meaning was obvious, wasn't it? Thirteen was sure it was, and maybe that's why it was so difficult for her to wrap her head around. She wasn't living. Sitting at home on her living room couch, staring at the television for hours on end, not going anywhere, not seeing the world in its entirety, simply seeing work and the mission and the same people day after day, week after week, month after month--that wasn't living. On the other hand, going out every night, acting like a crazy person, drinking and drugging, sleeping with any girl who would give her the time of day, wasn't exactly living either. It was a death wish, a suicide mission. It was an overdose, a drunken incident, a DNR waiting to be signed._

_That was what Cuddy had meant. She was almost certain._

_Her life always seemed to slip away from her. Quite the elusive thing, it was. Just when she thought she was getting things under control again, they slipped away from her, spilled from her fingertips like water spilling over the rim of a cup. Just when she thought she had her whole existence ahead of her, something threatened to take that very existence away from her. It wasn't fair, but life wasn't fair, right? Someone had told her that once. Too many times to remember. Too many words spoken in reassurance. Not enough said to truly make her feel grounded, safe._

_Thirteen let out a heavy sigh, raked her fingers through her hair. She was letting her thoughts get away from her. She wasn't in control. Surprise, surprise._

_She shifted the bag on her shoulder, glanced down at the watch on her wrist--11:00 A.M._

_She had to get going._

_Surely, her cat was missing her by now. Surely, her plants needed watering. Surely, the book she had been reading was longing to have its cold spine cracked open again. Surely, the air in her apartment was getting stale without someone there to occupy it, breathe it, need it. Surely, the indention on the middle cushion of her couch had started to fade. And who would be there to settle back into it, if not Thirteen?_

_Thirteen walked to the door and, with one last quick glance around what had been her hospital room, she closed the door behind her and left._


	3. Half Life

**The Autumn Effect**

**Chapter 3: Half Life**

Thirteen scanned the channels on the television for what felt like the hundredth time that night.

She lie on her couch, bundled up tight in a thick gray blanket. On the coffee table in front of her, there was a half-empty pizza box, a couple of empty soda cans, a bag of potato chips, and some magazines. Her book was open and resting face-down on her stomach. From the outside looking in, at first glance, she seemed cozy and at peace, but upon further inspection, the dark circles that had begun to collect beneath her eyes and the pallor that had settled on her cheeks told a completely different story.

Thirteen had been on the couch for nearly a day. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep and from countless hours of mindless TV-watching, so much so that she couldn't even begin to focus them on the words on the pages of her book. There was a dull ache that had been pounding incessantly at her temples since she had woke that morning. No amount of Tylenol, short of an overdose, seemed to make it go away, and Thirteen had given up trying some time ago.

A knock at her door startled her out of her near-stupor. She wasn't expecting company. Didn't want any, for that matter, but the knocking continued in spite of her attempts to ignore it. With a huff, Thirteen turned the TV off and tossed the remote onto the coffee table. She unraveled herself from the blanket, then slowly lifted herself from the comfort of the couch and shuffled tiredly to the door. Without even bothering to see who was on the other side, she slid the chain from its catch and pulled the door open.

Cuddy let a soft gasp slip from her lips as she took in the state of the woman standing before her. Ruffled clothes, tousled hair, dark rings under those beautiful eyes. Thirteen looked like a ghost and, in a way, Cuddy knew that she was. She wasn't Remy, or Thirteen, or Dr. Hadley. She was an empty shell, waiting to be filled, waiting for some semblance her life to come back to her. Cuddy had to look away for a moment to keep her heart from shattering, had to stuff her hands into the pockets of her coat to keep from reaching out to Thirteen right then and there. Touching her probably wasn't the best idea, not now, but she couldn't stop herself from questioning.

"What happened to you?" Cuddy heard herself ask, and she immediately regretted the words when she saw the wounded look pass over Thirteen's beautiful features.

"Life," the younger woman answered bitterly. "What are you doing here?"

Cuddy hesitated for a moment before replying, "I--I came to see how you were holding up. To see if you were resting and getting better."

"I'm fine."

"You're not. Do you mind if I come in?"

Thirteen sighed, lolling her head to the side in annoyance. After a second, she stepped aside and motioned Cuddy inside. She kicked the door shut, let it slam, then shuffled back over to the couch where she plopped down and pulled the gray cat from its place perched on the arm of the sofa onto her lap.

Cuddy didn't sit. She surveyed the half-empty pizza box, the soda cans, the magazines, the overall messy state of both the apartment and Thirteen herself.

"How long have you been sitting here on this couch?" the older woman asked finally.

Thirteen just shrugged and stroked the purring feline in her lap, looking almost childlike and sullen.

"Remy," Cuddy said firmly, "you can't keep doing this to yourself."

Ah, there it was. _You can't keep doing this to yourself. _She had heard that before. It had pissed her off then, too. Thirteen rolled her eyes.

Cuddy moved to sit on the corner of the cluttered coffee table. She leaned forward, took Thirteen's hands into her own, causing the younger woman to look up at her. "Remy," she said again. Her eyes were saturated with silent pleas, and Thirteen had to look away again. "Remy, you can't do this. You can't--no, maybe I shouldn't say that. I'm not trying to control you. I'm just… worried about you. Everyone is worried about you. Can't you see that? Don't you see that you're hurting yourself by doing this?"

"What do you care?" Thirteen asked, determined not to let herself break. As if sensing the impending storm, the cat jumped from her lap and onto the floor before trotting off to somewhere safe.

"I care _so _much," Cuddy said. "Maybe too much," she added, barely above a whisper.

Thirteen almost choked on that statement. She would not break. She bit down on her lower lip, cursed internally when her chin quivered with the impending tears. She. Would. Not. Break. She told herself this over and over. But she already had broken… just a little… the moment Cuddy walked in the door. It was why the older woman was still there in the first place, why Thirteen had let her in.

Cuddy could see Thirteen's resolve weakening, see the anger turning to sadness. Without a second thought, she leaned forward until she could wrap her arms around the delicate bundle of chaos before her. She held on tight, tighter when Thirteen struggled against her, and when the younger woman finally relaxed, the tears weren't far behind. She clung to Cuddy for dear life, sobbed into her shoulder, trembled violently, and Cuddy just held on tighter. She kissed the top of Thirteen's head and stroked her back and whispered soothing things into her ear as she gently rocked her back and forth. It took all she had not to cry herself.

_Like porcelain. _Cuddy remembered the thought, knew in that moment that she had been right. If she had ever had a doubt in her mind, it was gone now. She knew what brittle felt like in her hands, in her arms, knew the frailty of tears soaking through her shirt. Knew the frozen, fractured sobs that echoed in the quiet stillness. She also knew that her own heart wasn't strong enough to handle this; it shattered little by little, pieces chipping away with each jerk of Thirteen's slight body in her arms. She could only pray that it would be over soon.

And it was. Before Cuddy was fully aware of what was happening, Thirteen had pulled away from her, wiping tears from her face with the backs of her hands. Cuddy still held her, though not as tight as she had before. Her face was a scant distance from Thirteen's, their noses almost touching, the younger woman pulling in shaky breaths. Thirteen held Cuddy's gaze, and Cuddy found herself wondering if Thirteen was going to kiss her, but she knew that was a silly thing to be thinking at such a time. Thirteen was in no shape to be kissing anyone right now. She pushed the thought from her addled mind.

Thirteen wiped the remainder of her tears away from her face. She remained silent, unable to think of anything to say. It seemed that her words failed her often as of late, especially when Cuddy was around.

It was Cuddy who finally spoke, when the silence felt like it might smother them both. "Are you all right?" she asked softly.

Thirteen nodded numbly. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Shh, don't apologize," Cuddy said, thumbing away a stray tear as it rolled down Thirteen's cheek. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything."

Thirteen nodded again.

"When was the last time you had a shower?" the older woman asked.

At that, Thirteen crinkled her nose a little, sniffing at the air. "Do I smell that bad?" she asked.

Cuddy smiled in spite of herself. "No, you smell wonderful," she said, before her brain had time to process the thought. When Thirteen didn't seemed fazed by the slip, the went on, "I just thought a hot shower would help you feel a little better."

"Yeah, I guess so," said the younger woman.

Cuddy removed her arms from around Thirteen and sat back a little. "Are you okay?" she asked again.

"Yeah, I--I feel a little better. I guess I needed that. I'm sorry I cried all over you."

"It's not a problem. It'll dry."

Thirteen chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, then said, "Look, I know you probably didn't come here expecting this." She made a gesture to herself, her fallen state. "But… thank you."

"I came here for exactly this," Cuddy admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought maybe--after the conversation we had at the hospital, when you told me all those things about your life and how you were living now--I just thought that maybe you weren't doing as well as everyone thought you were. Maybe not as well as you thought you were."

Thirteen was silent, seemingly lost in thought.

"What are you thinking?" Cuddy asked, reaching out to brush a lock of hair from Thirteen's face.

"That you probably shouldn't be here," Thirteen replied.

"Oh. Okay, then."

"But I don't want you to leave."

"Then I don't have to."

"You might want to. I'm not easy to deal with like this."

"I seem to be doing okay so far."

For the first time since Cuddy had arrived, Thirteen smiled. It was a small, fleeting, but it made Cuddy's breath hitch in her throat anyway.

"I guess I'm gonna go take a shower," said Thirteen. Slowly, she pushed herself to her feet. Her legs felt oddly like Jell-O, and she had to force them to move without collapsing beneath her.

"Will you be all right in there?" Cuddy asked, standing as well.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I won't be long. Just… make yourself at home, if you can deal with the mess. There's drinks in the fridge and leftover pizza, if you want it. Anything else, just dig until you find it."

"Trust me, I've seen worse. I've been to House's apartment when he wasn't quite feeling up to par. This is spotless compared to that."

Thirteen smiled again. "Okay. Well, be back in a jiff," she said before wandering off into the bedroom.

Cuddy settled herself on the couch. A few minutes later, she heard the shower turn on. As she sat back, taking in the quiet calm, she wondered what Thirteen would think if she were to kiss her, but quickly pushed the thought away, scolding herself internally once again for having such thoughts.

_Thirteen is in no shape to be kissing anyone right now._

_She repeated the words in her head, trying to convince herself that they were plausible, to no avail. She wanted to kiss Thirteen, desperately, even though she knew she shouldn't._

_She scolded herself for the umpteenth time, whispered the words aloud to herself to make them more solid._

"_Thirteen is in no shape to be kissing anyone right now. And neither are you."_


	4. Picture Perfect In Your Eyes

**The Autumn Effect**

**Chapter 4: Picture Perfect (In Your Eyes)**

When Thirteen emerged from the bedroom nearly a half hour later, showered and dressed in a pair of silk boxer shorts and a tank top, she found Cuddy sitting on the couch in the living room. The television was on, but muted, playing some old black and white film that Cuddy didn't really seem to be paying any attention to. Thirteen was quiet as she padded up to the couch. She placed her hands on Cuddy's shoulders, causing the other woman to jerk with a start. She turned to look at Thirteen, eyes wide.

"Were you asleep?" Thirteen asked.

"No. No, just… thinking," Cuddy said, shaking her head.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's okay. It's my fault. I wasn't paying attention."

Thirteen sat on the back of the couch, swung her legs over, and plopped down onto the cushions. "Anything good on?" she asked, pointing her chin at the TV.

Cuddy shook her head. "Not really. A bunch of old stuff. Unfortunately, I've seen them all before."

"Oh, bummer."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, but at the same time, kind of like I made an ass of myself. The shower really is the best place to think. It's kind of like the water can wash away all the cloudiness and let you see things the way they really are. I was being childish, stupid. I shouldn't have let you see me that way."

"I'm kind of glad you did."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hmm. I know you don't like people to see you like that. It says a lot that you were willing to let me be there for you. It's a big step."

Thirteen nodded, smoothing her hands down her bare legs. She watched Cuddy's gaze follow her hands, then saw the older woman shake her head gently, as if trying to clear her thoughts.

"Did you find something to eat?" the younger doctor asked, finally noticing that the pizza box was gone from the coffee table, as were the soda cans. The magazines had been straightened, as well, and Thirteen's book rested in the center of the table with her reading glasses perched safely on top.

"No. I grabbed something to eat on the way here," said Cuddy.

"Okay. Want something to drink?"

"Um, sure. What do you have?"

Thirteen didn't answer. She jumped up and hurried off in the direction of the kitchen. "I have vitamin water, regular water, milk, orange juice, and soda," she called out a few moments later.

Cuddy smiled to herself. "Water is fine."

"Vitamin or regular?"

"Regular."

"Sorry I don't have more to offer. I don't keep alcohol around anymore," Thirteen said as she came back into the living holding two bottles of cold water. She handed one to Cuddy, then settled on the couch again.

"That's a good thing," the older woman said. "Uh, by good thing, I meant, um--I just meant that you don't need alcohol to--not that you thought you did need alcohol--just, uh, there are other things to drink," she stammered, flushing immediately as her words seemed to trip over themselves. _God, I'm such an idiot, _she thought.

Thirteen chuckled softly, reaching out to place a finger over Cuddy's lips. "It's okay. I get it," she said.

Cuddy glanced down at Thirteen's hand, the slender finger still lingering on her lips. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest, hammering out an unsteady rhythm. She could feel the flush settling on her cheeks full force as that odd feeling in the pit of her stomach flared up again.

"You're adorable when you blush," Thirteen whispered. She leaned forward slowly, until she could replace her finger with her lips. She kissed Cuddy slowly, thoroughly, and pulled away when Cuddy gasped for breath. She eyed the older woman in silence for a moment, gauging her reaction before leaning in to kiss her again… and again… and again.

Before Cuddy could fully process what was happening, she was naked. In Thirteen's bed with the younger woman hovering over her, kissing her neck as her fingers danced over Cuddy's thighs. The biggest part of Cuddy's brain screamed at her to stop this, to think of what she was doing, what she was about to do, who she was about to do it with, but that small part of her brain--although it wasn't quite as small as Cuddy liked to think it was--screamed at her for more. More of Thirteen's mouth on her own, more of Thirteen's hands on her body, more of Thirteen… inside her. She was more inclined to give in to that small portion of her psyche, but she wasn't completely gone yet. As Thirteen's tongue flicked out against her collarbone, Cuddy somehow found the strength to say 'no,' which caused Thirteen's onslaught to stop abruptly.

Thirteen looked up at her, blue-green eyes shining with lust and need and something else Cuddy couldn't quite put her finger on. She raised one perfectly arched eyebrow in question up at the older woman.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Cuddy asked breathlessly.

"I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything in my life," Thirteen whispered. "I want you. I _need you."_

"_I don't want to hurt you. If you're not ready for this--"_

_Cuddy's words were cut off by Thirteen's mouth on her own again. She kissed Cuddy fiercely, gripped the older woman to her with both hands. When she pulled away, both woman were panting for breath._

"_I just needed to make sure," Cuddy said._

"_I'm sure," Thirteen said with a nod. "I've been sure."_

"_You have?"_

"_Since I woke in the hospital to your hands on my face. I wanted you to kiss me then, but you didn't."_

"_I wanted to kiss you, but House was watching."_

_Thirteen giggled at that. She dipped her head and nipped at Cuddy's bottom lip. "This feels good. It feels right. Like, maybe I should have done this a long time ago," she said._

"_Ditto," was all Cuddy could think to say at that moment, but before she could curse herself for sounding like an idiot, Thirteen kissed her passionately._

_When alas Cuddy slipped her fingers into the waiting warmth at the apex of Thirteen's thighs, the younger woman bucked her hips and whimpered into the shadows._

"_Are you okay?" Cuddy asked, stilling her hand as she leaned up to look into Thirteen's eyes._

"_I'm perfect. Everything is perfect," was Thirteen's reply._

_It was the last of the coherent speech to be heard in Thirteen's bedroom for a very long time._

_C'EST TU FINIS_


End file.
